this is a list of edits from previous shows
in their absence other things were possible
some of them hurt
you may perform them as you like
but the instructions should be carried out to the letter or my agent capital a will jam you up capital
j a m
sorry…too aggressive
sorry also for apologising
sorry
not sorry
alternatively please feel free to ignore these instructions but only if you have a better idea and by better I mean better and not just an idea that you thought of that isn’t actually better but just happens to be yours
I’m mainly interested in the gaps
1. a dialogue for one
– Every word I’ve ever said has been inked by a man with a silly hat.
is not said whilst wearing a hat, but we should have seen a hat previously
2. audience
As if in a library
sh
sshh
sssshhhh
sh
sh
sh
sh
sh
sh
sh
sh
sssshhhhhhhsssshhhhhhssshhhsssshhhhhhhhhhhhh…..
sh
sh
sh
shsh
ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh
sh
3. interruptions for 4 players
- What have you to say about a certain tree which is near to your village?
- Not far from Domremy there is a tree that they call ‘The Ladies’ Tree ‘-
- I’m sorry is this the only name for the tree?
- No, no it’s not the only name for the/ tree
- What are the other names for the tree?
- If you just/ let me finish
- Don’t be hostile
- I’m not…. I’m just saying that… if you let/ me finish
- Just say the name/ of the tree
- The name /of the tree is
- Don’t interrupt
- I wasn’t interrupting/, I was just trying to tell you the name of the tree
- You were interrupting. Why /are you being so rude?
- I wasn’t/ interrupting I was trying to tell you the name of the tree
- You were /interrupting.
- I’m just
- Look you’re doing it again!
- I
- Stop
- I
- Stop
- I
- Stop
1.What is the name of the tree?
2.The tree is sometimes called The Ladies Tree and /others call it
- You’ve already said, you said that already
- I know I have
- Then why say it again?
- I just hadn’t finished
- Well…..go ahead
- ……The tree is also called The
- Sorry could you repeat that last bit
- Point of order
- What
- Could you repeat the last sentence
- The tree is also called The….
- Thank you
- Sorry. Please continue.
- Yes the tree is called the Ladies Tree/ and also called
- You’ve already said that
- I
- Point of order
- What?
- Would the minister stop interrupting the witness
- I haven’t been interrupting/ the witness
- Don’t argue. You have/ several times interrupted the witness and I’m asking you to stop. See it’s happening now, point in case. Minister. Minster. Minister. Minister. MinisterMinisterMinisterMinisterMinister
- I have not been interrupting the witness I have been pursing a line of questioning, she is being hostile. All I want to know is the other name of the tree. What is the name of the tree? The tree. The tree. treetreetreetreetreetreetree
- (very quickly) The tree is called the Ladies Tree/ and also called the
- That was unintelligible
- Sorry.
- That was unintelligible please repeat that last sentence
- Case in point
- Point of order
Please repeat that last sentence
- Fairy
- I’m sorry
- Fairy Tree
4. something durational
Is it boring?
Who cares, at least boring is something
Boring can be interesting
Maybe boring isn’t interesting
Maybe that’s interesting
No
5. to be performed as a sexual act
the production should look expensive
the performer should be made to feel very powerful
the audience should feel turned on
You are an adonis
You look striking
You are an adonis
You are an adonis
You are an adonis
Can you see me?
How do I look?
Your. beauty. has. no. limits.
Sublime
Stay still tea gan
Your. beauty. has. no. limits.
Your beauty has no limits.
you are on the precipice of greatness
you are on the precipice of greatness
you are on the precipice of great. ness.
Art.
Your life is a work of art.
Your life is a work of art.
Your life is a work of art.
Your life is a work of art.
Raw
Meat
Do you like fine dining
So you want to enjoy your life
You would like. to . enjoy. your life.
Yes
Develop for a taste for the exotic.
Wagu
Kipling
We all want what you
5 year old grain fed tasmanian bred beast.
5 year old grain fed tasmanian bred beast.
20 year old cop de ora enge enough for the table.
Service with a smile.
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Velour curtains
And real candelabra chandeliers
Enough for the table
Quail brain
A tailor made tuxedo
She should sing your song
You want french cologne
You want tibetian silk boxer shorts
Enough for the table
Enough for the table
Slow roasted kipler dill trim skinny dipped pasta on the side Slow roasted kipler dill trim skinny dipped pasta on the side Slow roasted kipler dill trim skinny dipped pasta on the side Slow roasted kipler dill trim skinny dipped pasta on the side
You want sea stars
Enenemies
Sting Ray
Tiger Shark
Whale
Whale
Whale
whale
Killer
Whale
You want a galaxy of fish
A bio system
A bio system
a food chain
a living living food chain in my big big
Big big aquarium
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
Live jazz
She’s very good
Very talented
Even the little fish are dancing
Yeah
Cabaret
Yeah
The fish the fish are singing and dancing
Slow roasted duck roasted angel hair pasta skinny pasta
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around
Finally found
Somebody who
Could give me a thrill
Could pickle my dill
It had to be you
Wonderful you
Wonderful you
It had to be………..
suckling
sucked
trimmed
tort
terrific
six pack
iron
fisted
you
It had to be………..
suckling
sucked
trimmed
tort
terrific
six pack
iron
fisted
you
It had to be………..
suckling
sucked
trimmed
tort
terrific
six pack
iron
fisted
you
It had to be………..
suckling
sucked
trimmed
tort
terrific
six pack
iron
fisted
you
It had to be………..
suckling
sucked
trimmed
tort
terrific
six pack
iron
fisted
you
you. can. do. anything.
You can be that guy!
That. guy.
That. guy.
You can be that guy!
Your. beauty. has. no. limits.
You. are. an. adonis.
What’s adonis?
You have god like super natural beauty
You can part the sea with those looks
I’m not kidding
You could look at the sea and it would split in two
You should have fish
You should have gold fish
You should have an aquarium.
You can have the great barrier reef
Where do you buy that?
Reef
I want a piece
I want a thousand year old piece
Some exotic little fish
I want something that changes colour
Really little fish
I want really glory fish
I want the ones that hide in the sand
I want the ones with blow holes
I want flippers
I want gills
There you are
As long as those eyes are soft
You can have anything you want
My friend
As long as that skin is line free
You can have anything you want
Any time any where
Aquarium
Bubbles
Ten Mill Glass
Bullet Proof Glass
Wall to wall
En suite
ten Nemos
twenty Nemos
Yeah
yeah
Could I have 30 Nemos
You can have 40
You are an adonis
Get closer
You are perfect
You have a tight arse
You have great abs
You are so natural
you are so carefree
You are so so deep
Are you free tonight?
Are you free tonight?
FFFF I’ll do the thinking
FFFF I’ll do the thinking just be
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Do you like ormolu
It is so right now
effortless beauty
If you were FFFFFFFFucking care free
Care free cars
Do you like them?
Blue Liquid BMW
Personalised plates
Wet
Wet
Wet
Wet
Ormolu
Ormolu
Mazarati
FFFFFF
FFFF
Blue
Steele
Bon sai
Re bock
Pump
F
F
F
Japan
F
F
You do
FF
You like japanese food
Hey there’s that carefree natural beautiful young man
It’s free mother fuckers
Get a fish
Get a gold fish
Get an aquarium
Sea eneminines fucking